Art Therapy ~ Why I Love It

As many as you know, some of the times it's really hard to put the way that you are feeling into words. Am I right? You know I am!

I have started art therapy as a was the express my feelings without having to sit, sometimes hours upon ends, to write one page of my feelings.

Right now, I'm only doing something called Scribble Therapy. In Scribble Therapy, you close your 

eyes, put your pen / pencil on the paper & scribble while counting, slowly, for a count of 30. 

When you open your eyes, mark where you started and finished. Now come the hard part. 

Sit back, relax & look at your pictures. When you see something meaningful, either color it or outline it with crayons or colored pencils.  

My Art Therapy journal also has a double sided pocket page so I can store the ones that I have drawn in the past. 

How awesome is that?!?

Mine came from CVS, but I'm sure you can find this one, or one similar pretty much anywhere. 

Next on my wish list is charcoals. 

Anyone want to buy me some?

Short your favorite form of self therapy in the comments!!!

A New Journal Made Me Smile!

Journaling.

Something that every therapist wants us to do. 

When I bought my first journal, I stood in the aisle at Office Depot for almost a hour. 

Which one should I pick?

This one or that one?

Pink?

Purple?

Stripes!

No, solid color. 

Lined or unlined?

Unlined, so I can draw when I want to.....

No, lined, so my writing is straight........

I finally decided on pink glitter with black zebra stripes.

Lined.

I still draw in it, but the lines in my drawings mess with my OCD.

Last week, I found my dream journal. 

Staying Strong by Demi Lovato. 

There are lined pages, positive affirmations, some almost blank pages that I can draw on. 

Everything I wanted in a journal. I'm truly happy with this one!

Let me know if you have it or plan to get it! 

An OCD Kinda Mind

See, that right there throws me all out of whack.
I'm so OCD that I truly think it should be CDO.

The letters need to be alphabetized, in my opinion.
So what? I can admit to being different & weird.

Here are a few other things that I obssive over:

Toilet Paper:
It goes OVER, not under! Get it right!
(I have been known to throw toilet paper rolls at those who don't so it correctly.)
It also has to be torn in the right spot before I can wipe with it.
Again, I can admit it.

Cabinet Doors:
They were made to open & CLOSE, right?!? Then CLOSE them, dammit!

That leads to what is IN the cabinet

Dishes:
If they have a pattern that can be seen from the side, they need to line up.
Colors have to go together.

I Hate Odd Numbers.
If we are watching tv, the volume has to be on an even number.
14 too low but 16 too high? What can you live with best, 15 is NOT an option here!
The crazy thing about that is that my favorite number is 7.

Get this. If you follow along and keep reading after this, comment! I have to see who you weirdos are!!

Favorite Number: 7
Second: 14
Third: 68
Forth: 2

Ready now?
7x2=14
68: 6+8=14
14/2=7

Are you still with me?

Cans In My Fridge:
They all have to line up perfectly.

My socks can never match.
(It's a control thing.)

I hate my feet touching the floor.
Before I had my mustang, Natasha is a stick, I used to drive with my left leg tucked up from the time I got in the car until the time I got out. Now, I can only do that on the highway.

When I ride, my legs are normally crossed in the seat.
On the couch, I'm curled up.


     

PTSD - What It's Really Like.

Post Tramatic Stress Disorder: 

With PTSD, the body's response to a stressful event is changed. Normally, after the event, the body recovers. The stress hormones and chemicals the body releases due to the stress go back to normal levels. For some reason in a person with PTSD, the body keeps releasing the stress hormones and chemicals.

PTSD can occur at any age. It can occur after events such as:

• Assault
• Car accidents
• Domestic abuse
• Natural disasters
• Prison stay
• Sexual assault
• Terrorism
• War

Abuse. That is why I suffer from PTSD. Previous posts explain it more, but I'm here to tell you about what it is 'really' like.

You feel alone. No matter what kind of support you have, you feel like you are feeling all of this all alone. You feel like no one knows anything what you are feeling.


Lost.
Alone.

Trying to forget everything you have been through, but can't compleyly forget. 

With PTSD, you crave love and attention in a way that normal people don't. 

You look for love anywhere & everywhere. 

You ignore the ones around you, the ones that don't really talk to you, and instead, go looking for someone that will show you the feeling that you are looking to get. 

You send pictures of your body to make yourself feel better. 

You drink so much that you honestly don't remember taking or sending the pictures. 

It's heartbreaking when you really think about it. 

Your relationships are damaged. 

The person that you are with is like a stranger. 

(Mainly because you don't push them to listen to you)

You always feel like you're not good enough.
For anything.
You feel that you don't deserve friends.
You feel that you don't deserve love.
Hell, it makes you wonder if you can really love.
If you are even worthy of being loved.

PTSD sucks. There is no other way of putting it.
It's a struggle that takes what feels like forever to heal from.

I always thought that PTSD was something that
only military vets had.
I never thought that everything that I was feeling would be because of this.

But, I have it.
I have to deal with it.
It's going to be really tough, but I have to believe I can overcome it.

No matter how long it takes. 

The Struggle - May Be Triggering

The scale: One of the scariest things I can think of right now. The numbers go up, the numbers go down, the numbers stay the same..... Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Food: the next scariest thing I can think of. Last week, I went 2 days without eating anything. I drank some milk, but mainly just water. I just didn't feel like eating. I wasn't hungry. My stomach wasn't growling. I had no desire to get up and get food.

Today marks 2 weeks of my dads passing. I've called my mother twice. The first time was to ask for some of my dads ashes. She told me the she "didn't know. That she would have to seriously think about it." Talk about a slap in the face! My parents and I have never really gotten along. I mean, the last time I saw them before the hospital was in 2012. In court.

The second time I called her was last Tuesday. One day after the one week mark. I called to check on her. She told me to never call her again. I was stunned, to say the least. I busted out in tears and had a panic attack. A bad one. A two Xanax one.

Having to deal with everything going on in my life, then my dad dying, then my mom acting the way she is...... I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.

My depression is at an all time high. I don't want to do anything. Ever. It takes everything out of me the three days I have doctors appointments every week. I would honestly love to just sit on my couch, look out my sliding glass door, alone & cry. All day. I don't even remember the last time I put on make up.

I'm anxious all of the time. Jumpy as hell, (like my cat jumping down from the fridge makes me panic)

Ana, stupid anorexia, is constantly yelling at me. "Not good enough!" "If you were thinner your dad would have loved you!" "That's going to make you fat, stupid!" "If you eat that, you'll regret it!"
Constantly. All day.
Then, when I am able to eat, the only thing I want to do is get the food out of me! (Which I can't because that's when hubs is home.)

I feel like I'm going out of my mind!

Do I call my mom again or no?

The Day My Dad Died - December 8,2014 - 2:05:36pm

There was no way I could re-live this day, 

So here are pictures from my journal. 

Frustrations

When you are dealing with something like anorexia, or any eating disorder really, you have to deal with so much more than just the disorder.

"You need to eat!"
"What have you eaten today?"
"Is that all you're eating?"
"Have another serving!"
"A piece of cake won't hurt you, it will help you!"

Not only that, but then you hear.....

"You are so thin!"
"I wish I had your body!"

The doctors:

Eat six times a day.
Don't exercise. (That one is the toughest)
Keep a food journal.
See what you eat.
Eat slower / Eat faster
Calories are more important than anything.

You follow along. You try your hardest. You eat more than you have in awhile....& yet, for some reason, your weight continues to drop. What now?!?

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