Sunday, December 28, 2014

PTSD - What It's Really Like.

Post Tramatic Stress Disorder: 

With PTSD, the body's response to a stressful event is changed. Normally, after the event, the body recovers. The stress hormones and chemicals the body releases due to the stress go back to normal levels. For some reason in a person with PTSD, the body keeps releasing the stress hormones and chemicals.
PTSD can occur at any age. It can occur after events such as:
  • Assault
  • Car accidents
  • Domestic abuse
  • Natural disasters
  • Prison stay
  • Sexual assault
  • Terrorism
  • War

Abuse. That is why I suffer from PTSD. Previous posts explain it more, but I'm here to tell you about what it is 'really' like.

You feel alone. No matter what kind of support you have, you feel like you are feeling all of this all alone. You feel like no one knows anything what you are feeling.


Trying to forget everything you have been through, but can't compleyly forget. 

With PTSD, you crave love and attention in a way that normal people don't. 
You look for love anywhere & everywhere. 

You ignore the ones around you, the ones that don't really talk to you, and instead, go looking for someone that will show you the feeling that you are looking to get. 

You send pictures of your body to make yourself feel better. 
You drink so much that you honestly don't remember taking or sending the pictures. 

It's heartbreaking when you really think about it. 

Your relationships are damaged. 
The person that you are with is like a stranger. 
(Mainly because you don't push them to listen to you)

You always feel like you're not good enough.
For anything.
You feel that you don't deserve friends.
You feel that you don't deserve love.
Hell, it makes you wonder if you can really love.
If you are even worthy of being loved.

PTSD sucks. There is no other way of putting it.
It's a struggle that takes what feels like forever to heal from.

I always thought that PTSD was something that
only military vets had.
I never thought that everything that I was feeling would be because of this.

But, I have it.
I have to deal with it.
It's going to be really tough, but I have to believe I can overcome it.

No matter how long it takes. 

Monday, December 22, 2014

The Struggle - May Be Triggering

The scale: One of the scariest things I can think of right now. The numbers go up, the numbers go down, the numbers stay the same..... Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Food: the next scariest thing I can think of. Last week, I went 2 days without eating anything. I drank some milk, but mainly just water. I just didn't feel like eating. I wasn't hungry. My stomach wasn't growling. I had no desire to get up and get food.

Today marks 2 weeks of my dads passing. I've called my mother twice. The first time was to ask for some of my dads ashes. She told me the she "didn't know. That she would have to seriously think about it." Talk about a slap in the face! My parents and I have never really gotten along. I mean, the last time I saw them before the hospital was in 2012. In court.

The second time I called her was last Tuesday. One day after the one week mark. I called to check on her. She told me to never call her again. I was stunned, to say the least. I busted out in tears and had a panic attack. A bad one. A two Xanax one.

Having to deal with everything going on in my life, then my dad dying, then my mom acting the way she is...... I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.

My depression is at an all time high. I don't want to do anything. Ever. It takes everything out of me the three days I have doctors appointments every week. I would honestly love to just sit on my couch, look out my sliding glass door, alone & cry. All day. I don't even remember the last time I put on make up.

I'm anxious all of the time. Jumpy as hell, (like my cat jumping down from the fridge makes me panic)

Ana, stupid anorexia, is constantly yelling at me. "Not good enough!" "If you were thinner your dad would have loved you!" "That's going to make you fat, stupid!" "If you eat that, you'll regret it!"
Constantly. All day.
Then, when I am able to eat, the only thing I want to do is get the food out of me! (Which I can't because that's when hubs is home.)

I feel like I'm going out of my mind!

Do I call my mom again or no?

Thursday, December 18, 2014