Sunday, December 28, 2014

PTSD - What It's Really Like.

Post Tramatic Stress Disorder: 

With PTSD, the body's response to a stressful event is changed. Normally, after the event, the body recovers. The stress hormones and chemicals the body releases due to the stress go back to normal levels. For some reason in a person with PTSD, the body keeps releasing the stress hormones and chemicals.
PTSD can occur at any age. It can occur after events such as:
  • Assault
  • Car accidents
  • Domestic abuse
  • Natural disasters
  • Prison stay
  • Sexual assault
  • Terrorism
  • War

Abuse. That is why I suffer from PTSD. Previous posts explain it more, but I'm here to tell you about what it is 'really' like.

You feel alone. No matter what kind of support you have, you feel like you are feeling all of this all alone. You feel like no one knows anything what you are feeling.


Trying to forget everything you have been through, but can't compleyly forget. 

With PTSD, you crave love and attention in a way that normal people don't. 
You look for love anywhere & everywhere. 

You ignore the ones around you, the ones that don't really talk to you, and instead, go looking for someone that will show you the feeling that you are looking to get. 

You send pictures of your body to make yourself feel better. 
You drink so much that you honestly don't remember taking or sending the pictures. 

It's heartbreaking when you really think about it. 

Your relationships are damaged. 
The person that you are with is like a stranger. 
(Mainly because you don't push them to listen to you)

You always feel like you're not good enough.
For anything.
You feel that you don't deserve friends.
You feel that you don't deserve love.
Hell, it makes you wonder if you can really love.
If you are even worthy of being loved.

PTSD sucks. There is no other way of putting it.
It's a struggle that takes what feels like forever to heal from.

I always thought that PTSD was something that
only military vets had.
I never thought that everything that I was feeling would be because of this.

But, I have it.
I have to deal with it.
It's going to be really tough, but I have to believe I can overcome it.

No matter how long it takes. 

Monday, December 22, 2014

The Struggle - May Be Triggering

The scale: One of the scariest things I can think of right now. The numbers go up, the numbers go down, the numbers stay the same..... Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Food: the next scariest thing I can think of. Last week, I went 2 days without eating anything. I drank some milk, but mainly just water. I just didn't feel like eating. I wasn't hungry. My stomach wasn't growling. I had no desire to get up and get food.

Today marks 2 weeks of my dads passing. I've called my mother twice. The first time was to ask for some of my dads ashes. She told me the she "didn't know. That she would have to seriously think about it." Talk about a slap in the face! My parents and I have never really gotten along. I mean, the last time I saw them before the hospital was in 2012. In court.

The second time I called her was last Tuesday. One day after the one week mark. I called to check on her. She told me to never call her again. I was stunned, to say the least. I busted out in tears and had a panic attack. A bad one. A two Xanax one.

Having to deal with everything going on in my life, then my dad dying, then my mom acting the way she is...... I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.

My depression is at an all time high. I don't want to do anything. Ever. It takes everything out of me the three days I have doctors appointments every week. I would honestly love to just sit on my couch, look out my sliding glass door, alone & cry. All day. I don't even remember the last time I put on make up.

I'm anxious all of the time. Jumpy as hell, (like my cat jumping down from the fridge makes me panic)

Ana, stupid anorexia, is constantly yelling at me. "Not good enough!" "If you were thinner your dad would have loved you!" "That's going to make you fat, stupid!" "If you eat that, you'll regret it!"
Constantly. All day.
Then, when I am able to eat, the only thing I want to do is get the food out of me! (Which I can't because that's when hubs is home.)

I feel like I'm going out of my mind!

Do I call my mom again or no?

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


When you are dealing with something like anorexia, or any eating disorder really, you have to deal with so much more than just the disorder.

"You need to eat!"
"What have you eaten today?"
"Is that all you're eating?"
"Have another serving!"
"A piece of cake won't hurt you, it will help you!"

Not only that, but then you hear.....

"You are so thin!"
"I wish I had your body!"

The doctors:

Eat six times a day.
Don't exercise. (That one is the toughest)
Keep a food journal.
See what you eat.
Eat slower / Eat faster
Calories are more important than anything.

You follow along. You try your hardest. You eat more than you have in awhile....& yet, for some reason, your weight continues to drop. What now?!?

Hey, if you read and blog, leave me your link so I can follow you!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

A Little From My Past - Part 1

My father never wanted me. Really. I can't remember a time that he hugged me or told me that he loved me. There aren't very many pictures of me as a child, except for professional pictures that my sister & I always did together.

The first time he slapped me, I was 5, and had just been told my grandfather died and that I couldn't get the strawberries that my babysitter had taken me to the store for. I didn't understa death. I wanted my strawberries! I cried. When he strapped me into my car seat, he slapped me so hard I still had fingerprints on my face for the funeral.

When I was around 10, I started getting a nightly spanking for "The things I had done during the day that I didn't get caught doing". (His words, not mine.)

On my 13th birthday, my present from him was him telling me that he begged my mom to abort me and that he still wishes that she would have. Great birthday, I tell ya!

He started beating me with a 2X4 soon after. My mother made him take me to the storage shed to beat me so she wouldn't have to hear my screams.

To be continued.....

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Introduction To Who I Am

Hi, there! I'm Jenn! Welcome to my blog.

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 boys and a girl. My boys, D & M, (respectively) are 14 and 12. My daughter, A, is 13.

I am (almost) married to the love of my life, P. We plan to tie the know next month. 12/13/14!!!

When I was 13, I developed anorexia. At 15, I started purging. The cycle continued until I was almost 19. I was hospitalized twice.

The first time, I was 86 pounds. I was 5'5" tall. That means I was in the 1% percentile of kids my age. Severely underweight. I spent 6 months in residential treatment. I was 16 years old. Two months later, I was back near 86 pounds..... Back to treatment, I go. I spent a year this time. Different place, more intense treatment. IV's, bed rest, no walking around. To go to therapy and group, I was pushed in a wheelchair.

When I was almost 19, I got married to my ex, & got pregnant! I knew then, I had to get healthy. Start eating more. I had a baby inside me to think about! I was right at 100 pounds. When I gave birth, I was 120. I didn't sweat my weight then..... I was too busy!

My ex & I split when A was 3 months old. I had my eating disorder under control. In my eyes, I was fine!

About 5 months ago, everything changed. My therapist says it's because my brain finally was mature. (Your brain continues to grow until you are between 26 - 35.)

Anorexia came back like an old friend that you never wanted to see again. This time, it brought its good friends depression, anxiety & good ole PTSD.

This is my story: I hope you stick around.


P.S. - Comments are always welcome, but please be nice.